We are nearly 1!

Wow it’s been a big year! Can’t believe these girls are nearly one! Hardest and best thing I’ve ever done 🙂

Diary of a Twin Mummy

The girls are 10 months now, 8.5 adjusted. and things are busy, man are they busy. I know I really can’t complain, they are fantastic sleepers (praise the Lord for that!) and they’re actually pretty good babies, well they’re really good. They kind of have to go with the flow, get left to play together for periods of time while I sort out the big kids. I think I’m just noticing how busy life is now, how hard it is to keep a clean house, a tidy house, to have the washing done, meals planned, shopped for and cooked. I feel like the task is insurmountable some days, and I know that people say, just do the essentials, the others stuff can wait. But it kind of can’t wait forever, and I know myself, I don’t feel like I’m coping when my house is always falling that little bit behind. French toast and whiskers, how in the heck am I going to cope with going to back to work? Seriously, this Mum gig has been ramped up to a full time job, and I’m not looking forward to the squeeze that adding in work is going to put on everything.

I wanted this. I had a nice easy life with two kids who were toilet trained and pretty independent, I certainly asked for this crazy to enter my life, so I know I need to suck it up and make it work.

So lists would be helpful, yes?

Less time on computer/internet until jobs are done?

Kick ass music to listen to will help make things less painful.

Change my name to Martha in the hope I evolve into a domestic goddess

Remember to be grateful and find joy in every circumstance.

My kids have been learning memory verses that relate to animals. Proverbs 6:6 says “Go to the ant you sluggard, consider its ways and be wise:.”. See, God appreciates hard work, so come on, channel the ant and lets do this thing.

Housework come at me. I’m knocking it out of the park today

L x

Twinning

The girls are 7 months old already. FAR. OUT. Where in the heck did that time go? Safe to say we survived the newborn twin stage, and without too many scars to show for it. To be honest, twins hasn’t been nearly as difficult as I imagined, or perhaps was led to believe. I envisioned an incredibly difficult time with two babies, how on earth does one cope? One baby was tricky enough at times, I could only imagine how challenging two babies was going to be.

We’ve had our share of sleep deprived nights and newborn problems. But if I’m completely honest, I can look back and say it hasn’t been too bad at all. In fact, these girls have been for the most part, little champs. I think we did the right thing being proactive and seeing Dr Symons from the beginning. It was so important to get the girls into a good routine, to get them in sync with their feeds and sleeps, and settling in their cots. Doing it early is definitely the way to go for us, recognising sleep cues, making sure they’re feeding well etc. I do try to prioritise their sleeps, as they sleep best at home in their cots. So I try and only have them miss one sleep if we do have to go out.

They are now fantastic sleepers. I generally just need to pop them in their sleeping bags and in their cots, and they will go down happily chatting in their cots. Zoe sleeps 7-7 now having just dropped her dream feed. Ivy isn’t there yet and still needs a feed at 10pm, but overall, they’re great. Of course it’s never a done deal, we have our evenings or occasional night wakings. But overall they sleep well. They have 2 big sleeps and a pre dinner nap during the day. They are on 3 meals of solids and I think would eat custard until they popped!

I’m proud to say,  I can get 4 kids out of the house by 8.15am most mornings,  and pop the twins in a double front back carrier when taking the kids to school. If i’m honest, there is a real feeling of accomplishment knowing you’re able to manage 2 at once on your own without any trouble. There is nothing better than the feeling of carrying them both on my chest down to the kitchen in the morning. Double cuddles. Fills your heart, there’s nothing like it.

I love how completely different our little girls are. Both looks and personality. From very early on I could tell the difference between the sound of their cries.

Ivy is generally speaking, a much more serious little soul. She smiles on her terms, and not all that often (though as she is getting older, it is becoming more frequent). But she’s funny, often when she smiles, she will look away like she’s embarrassed. She is quite the little squealer and talker when she is in the mood. She is usually a little bit behind Zoe, in weight, in things like rolling, sleeping through etc. She is much more content to lay in her cot awhile and take in the morning before letting us know she is awake. She is a funny little soul, often not as interested in Zoe as Zo is in her. She drinks and eats less, but will do it much faster. She is a funny little girl, and reminds me so much in looks of Elissa as a baby.

Zoe, although born second, is definitely the leader of the two at the moment. She is always a little bit bigger than Ivy, will drink and eat considerably more. The biggest difference between the girls would have to be how very very smiley she is. She is always searching your face, locking eyes with you and giving big wide gummy smiles. She just seems to really love me, she looks into my eyes with such intensity that really communicates the connection she has with you. She is much quicker to let you know if she is upset, often when she wakes she will be crying out and letting you know. Zoe was the first to roll. She also seems to be much more interested in Ivy, than Ivy is in her. Often holding eye contact, reaching out to touch her. It’s so very cute. She can be quite vocal too, loving the sound of her own voice.

Most of the time, the girls just seem so happy. They are learning, growing, feeding and sleeping well. I’m able to get out and about without too much hassle. The school run has forced me to become an expert at that!

I was thinking the other day, as I carried the shopping bags, nappy bag and both girls from the underground carport at my local supermarket, up to the double trolley in the shops, how my often described as ‘bull at a gate’ personality has really served me well with twins. That sense of I can do this on my own, I will find a way to make it work, has allowed me to do lots of things successfully with both girls.

I’m realising more and more how special it is to be a multiple mummy. What an absolute privilege. When my parents found out about the twins, my Dad kept saying ‘blessed are you!’. At the time I thought he was insane. I was not happy about twins, full stop. How wrong I was. There is something so special about two little people. Seeing them begin to interact with each other. It’s a beautiful dynamic. And no matter where you go, you are treated like some kind of celebrity with all of the questions and attention. Most of it positive, though you do get your fair share of ‘poor you’ comments. I like to respond with the ‘you’ve got your hand full’ comments with a sentiment a friend shared with me “If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart!”.

The other beautiful thing since the twins joined our family, has been seeing them with the big kids. They love having one baby each. Elissa is actually the biggest help. She carries them around, entertains them, reads to them, will give them a bottle if I need her to. Often I find little notes and cards she has written them, telling them how much she loves them. She said to me the other day with a big sigh “Mum, I just love my sisters”. I was her age when Nadine was born, so it’s funny, I feel like I can relate to having a baby sister at that age. 🙂

I will admit to some things that are double the trouble. Washing. Oh dear Lord, I never would have thought two tiny people could produce so much. I’m seriously finding it much harder to keep on top of, and those grand plans to do cloth nappies…. lets just say its in review!

There are times when they’re both upset and that’s hard. But to be honest, I think God has been incredibly gracious to us, usually it’s one or the other who is upset. They don’t wake each other really at all which is amazing. One can be screaming her lungs out, and the other usually will sleep right through it! I think we have their time spent in the Special Care Nursery to thank for that! There are times when I’m tired and I get a bit sick of juggling, those are the times when you really appreciate having an extra set of hands around to help. To just feed one at a time is a treat!

Bottles are endless and formula is bloody expensive! We buy it in bulk from the manufacturer 12 -18 cans at a time. I will admit to be slightly nervous about them being on the move. I fear it may be a game changer! But I’m choosing not to stress about it, God has equipped and blessed us this far, I’m sure He’s not about to abandon us now!

Never thought I’d love being a multiple Mum, but it’s truly the best! 🙂

 

My birth story!

I thought I’d better get on and write this before I forget it all! Yes, it all happened, and the girls are here. A little over 4 weeks ago, can’t believe it, the time has gone incredibly quickly and also feels like forever.

But we welcomed little Ivy Grace and Zoe Kate into the world on the 21st September. Here’s how it all unfolded.

The day before (Sat) I had been feeling a bit crampy and off. Nothing too unusual. I often felt a bit like this when I had done too much, and I just felt smashed, physically wrecked and knew I needed to spend the day not doing too much. I think Steph was going to come and visit and I asked her not to, just said I was feeling pretty wrecked.

I spent the day taking it easy, as much as you can when you have everyone from your inlaws here helping with the house. We got the kids moved into the same room which was a big relief. Matt and I said to each other that night as we went to bed that at least the kids were moved in now, so if the babies came, at least the big kids were sorted.

The next morning, Matt took the kids to church, I slept in for a bit and tidied up. I was feeling a bit crampy still and was feeling a bit of pressure in my bum which I had had before, but it was a bit more consistent. I was aware of it but didn’t actually think too much of it. I was constantly in some kind of pain or discomfort, so it was completely new!

Justine was coming over to visit and drop off some baby clothes around 12-1. Matt and the kids came home, we had some lunch and Matt was busy in the shed. I was becoming more aware of the consistency of the cramps and the pressure in my bum in particular. I said to Matt I think we might need to get this checked out. I was a bit teary, just because I was so over the pain and so tired. We called the hospital and they said to come and in and get it checked out. Matt jumped into action and called his parents and asked them if we could drop off the big kids. I sent Justine a text telling her I was having contractions and could we reschedule. She was already on her way and ended up dropping the clothes at the door, tapping on the window and wishing me good luck and heading home.

I had semi packed a hospital bag, but in terms of things for the babies, I hadn’t washed anything yet etc. We grabbed toiletries etc, phone chargers, loaded the kids into the car and headed to Matt’s folk’s place. I was uncomfortable, but not in heaps of pain yet. When we got to Matt’s folk’s place, the kids jumped out, rang the doorbell, and when Liz answered the door we took off. I felt kind of bad that we hadn’t said more of a goodbye! I didn’t explain the babies were coming, as I was in two minds as to if it was the real thing. I thought there was a very good chance we’d be sent home and I didn’t want to get their hopes up.

We arrived at the hospital, Matt dropped me off and went to park, and I headed to the women’s assessment unit. They admitted me quickly and hooked me up to the monitors to try and get a trace on both babies heartbeats as well as the contractions. Baby A was easy, Baby B was, as usual, being tricky and it took them forever to get her trace! They asked about my level of pain etc and as precaution gave me the drugs to stop labour and a steroid injection for the babies lungs if the labour couldn’t be stopped. The first doctor I saw said they’d monitor me and see what happened if the drugs would stop the labour etc.

Then there was a change in doctors, I saw a lady I had seen in the clinic a few times during my pregnancy. She did an internal and said I was definitely in labour, 4cm, my pessary ring was no longer around the cervix, just sitting there, so she pulled that out and said we were having these babies today. I had a drip inserted and the person doing it had to have a few goes, it KILLED!

That was all a bit of a shock, to be honest. As soon as that was said, people started coming and discussing options, still trying to get a proper read on Baby B too. They decided that as I was only 32+3, and they took babies from 33 weeks, I should go to the WCH. They might have taken me if it was a singleton, but being twins they would probably be smaller, so opted for the WCH. My pain was definitely increasing but was still really manageable. It was frustrating being stuck in bed, I wanted to get up and move through the contractions.

Before I knew it, I was being told an ambulance would take me, to get my clothes back on and meet them in the hall. I was strapped to a gurney and before I knew it, being wheeled into an ambulance. They had one of the more experienced neonatal midwives come with me. She was lovely, very reassuring and held my hand telling me what a great job I was doing. I don’t know if it was the vertical tilt of the gurney and getting into the ambulance, but once I was in that ambulance, the contractions became incredibly intense and fast. I felt like my feet were elevated higher than my head and the babies were squashing into my ribs. Baby b turned from head down to head up on the trip and I could feel her turning, it was really painful. I was pushing down on her trying to ease the pressure under my ribs. The ambulance had the lights and sirens and was cruising along, they were giving me regular updates on where we were and how far away, I couldn’t care less, I was just focussed on breathing through the contractions. The midwife and the ambulance officer thought it was all happening I think, they had the neonatal kit out and ready to use if need be.

Matt was following along in his car. When we got the hospital, I was wheeled through to a room and I asked to go to the toilet. It all felt a bit panicked. They discussed it for a minute and then agreed to let me go if the midwife kept an eye on me, I think they were worried I’d give birth on the toilet. I was popped onto another gurney and escorted very quickly to the birthing room on the 4th floor. By this stage, the contractions were full on and I was struggling to listen to anyone, just concentrating on breathing through them. They were trying to hook me up to the monitors to get the babies heartbeats and contractions again. it was very hard to be stuck in the bed with that level of pain.

The Dr arrived along with an entourage. She was pregnant, and really nice but also quite decisive which is what I really needed at the time. She said there’s no reason you can’t birth these babies naturally, but you will need an epidural if we need to turn the 2nd baby, if you’re happy with that, we can go ahead and get the epidural in now. At this stage, Matt arrived. He’d been told he’d better hurry or he might miss it all!

I said yes to everything and before I knew it, I was being helped into a gown, and the anesthetist was telling me what she was going to do. I was having contractions and trying to answer and care what she was saying. They said I had to stay still for the needle, Matt was holding me and helping me lean forward. The local needle made me jump, it was quite painful, but quick, and I was already in a world of pain, so it didn’t bother me too much. I didn’t feel the spinal go in, except an initial jolt of nerves like an electric shock right down the left side of my body.

Once that was all in, I was back in bed, back on the monitors and doing my best to cope with the contractions until the epi kicked in. They did an internal at this point I think. I was 6cm. It wasn’t long before the epi began to kick in and it was heavenepi to feel the relief and be able to relax a bit. They couldn’t keep a read on Zoe’s heart rate, so the next hour or so was spent with the midwife trying and Matt ended up having to hold it in place. There was a shift changeover, the next lady was able to get the heart rate reading by placing a tissue in a way that held it in place and got it! Matt was relieved, his arms were nearly falling off! I was pretty comfortable, I had my own top up button for the epi if I needed it, so was able to stay pretty comfortable. It was weird just sitting there quite comfortably, and looking over at the 2 warming beds in the corner of the room. Matt and I were both kind of weirded out by the fact that there were going to be 2 babies in those beds by the end of the night.

The doctor with the entourage returned a bit later and asked if we wanted to participate in a trial called
MAGENTA, seeing if giving a mother a drip with magnesium sulphate in it between 30-34 weeks gestation had any positive influence on the baby. They had trials with good results for babies born earlier than that, but no evidence for this gestation. I was given some time to think about it, Matt encouraged me to do it, and it meant we get pead follow ups for the girls for free until they’re about 6, so that was a good incentive. It seemed to take forever for them to sort it all out. They had to ring through some stuff and get a number to see what i got, the magnesium or the placebo one. Eventually they returned and had to put a drip in the other hand, again it took a few goes, and yep it really hurt! So I signed off on all the forms and it took about 30mins to go through my system. Matt went and grabbed some dinner and I just laid in bed and waited.

Once that was finally done, they came and did another internal. It was funny as the dr that came to check was the one who had put my pessary ring in when i was 20 weeks. Her name was Amanda, and she had been so lovely to me, and worked out she knew Liz from when she was a med student. Her parting words to me all those weeks earlier were “I don’t want to see you until you’re 32 weeks ok”. So when she came into the room it was a funny reunion of sorts with her saying hey you made it!! It was really nice to have a friendly and familiar face. She did an internal, I was 9cm, the epi hadn’t slowed my contractions at all, they were consistent and strong for those few hours. She said my waters were bulging, and after a discussion with her registrar, decided to break them. It was quite the flood, as expected! She said she thought it would be about an hour, and she’d come back to check on me then.

She had been gone about 30 seconds, along with about 7 people who were with her (twin births seem to need a lot of back up support!). The midwife I had was an older lady who was pottering around, and attempting to get me entered into the system there as all my notes and details were at the Lyell Mc Hosp.

I felt this pressure down below and i knew something was happening, i called to her to please come and check me, I could feel something. She came over and had a look and suddenly sprung to life with “it’s a head!’. Ivy’s head was out! She ran for the call button and was calling for help. Suddenly the room filled with people, I think Matt said there were about 12 people to suddenly appear. Before I knew it, Ivy had slid out completely into Amanda’s hands. It was so weird as I could hear Ivy crying as she lay between my legs at the end of the bed, but my belly was too big to see her at all. It was so bizarre. I find it hard to connect the pregnancy with the actual baby until it’s born, it was so amazing to suddenly hear crying and know there was an actual baby there. They whisked her away to the warming bed and after about 5 mins they brought her over to me for a quick look before taking her away to the SCBU.

The next 20 mins were quite surreal. The room was full of people and there was a real buzz in the air as operation get baby #2 out began. There was a head doctor, he was calling the shots and directing the registrar who was a different lady. They chucked an ultrasound on my belly and confirmed that Zoe was indeed breech. They checked my cervix again and it had closed back to 5cm which is very common after the first twin is out. The anaesthetist came over and said he was going to give me a big dose to make sure I didn’t feel anything as they were going to have to reach in and manually turn her. I said yes to everything, the dr put her hand up inside and had a hold of Zoe’s legs. She was trying to turn her, but Zoe was up really high and wouldn’t budge. They said they were going to try and deliver her breech, was I ok with that? I said yes without hesitation, now there was one baby out, I didn’t want to have to have a c=section for the next one! The midwife kept doing ice checks to see how the epidural was working, it was funny she kept lifting my gown to check where my boobs were saying she needed some landmarks!

My contractions had really slowed since Ivy had come out. The Dr was just waiting with her hand on Zoe’s legs, waiting for a good contraction to pull her out. I could only feel so much as the epidural was pretty strong, but i could tell when they were coming. It was so strange, just laying there with someones arm up your lady parts, with so many people in the room. Matt and I were exchanging looks of I can’t believe this is happening. I had such an incredible calm and peace over me though. I just had this feeling like it was out of my control, like God had this. I had two contractions and pushed for each of them with the dr pulling, but without success. The head dr said we had 5 more minutes before he was taking me for an emergency c-section. Again as much as I didn’t want it to end like that, I wasn’t concerned at all, it was quite surreal how peaceful I felt.

I had another contraction, I pictured the coffee plunger and pushed with all I had. Next thing Zoe comes flying out. They put her on my tummy and there were lots of gasps as she was fully in her sac. As they put her on my tummy the sac broke and there she was! It was amazing! I had this incredible sense that God had allowed her to come out in her sac, the safest way possible, completely protected. Matt got to cut the cord for her. Again she was taken to the warming bed and a few minutes later I got a quick cuddle with her before they took her off to the SCBU. Matt followed her down.

My placenta had come out with Zoe too, the dr said he’d never seen that before! So no third stage for me! I lost quite a bit of blood. They spent ages massaging my tummy, more than I’ve had in the other pregnancies. I had a small graze that didn’t need stitches. For the next 10 minutes people began to file out of the room, and soon enough it became quiet again, it was just me and the midwife. She was cleaning up and I was lying there, trying to take in all that had just happened. It was bizarre to be there without the girls, to have had such a short time seeing what they looked like before they were taken away. I was just kind of basking in the knowledge that it was over. The twin pregnancy which was to be honest, it’s own kind of hell was over! The girls were out, I never had to give birth or be pregnant again, and it had all happened so effortlessly really. My first epidural and I was giving it a major thumbs up! My pain level once I had it in was so low, it really seemed too good to be true.

Matt returned after awhile from the nursery with some photos for me of the girls. We got on the phone and called our parents and I texted the girls to tell them. Then it was just a lot of quiet waiting around again. I was allowed to have a shower after awhile. The epi had worn off enough for me to get out of bed and walk. I felt a bit sore in my tummy, but overall I felt pretty good really. It’s amazing how quickly you feel the relief after being so pregnant and huge! Once I was out of the shower and cleaned up, they were going to take me to the post natal ward. Matt requested I see the girls and not wait until the morning. I was really grateful the midwife said ok and wheeled me down there in all my glory, a gown, with my catheter hooked up to it.

I was taken through a series of doors, on a lift and then into a room with glass sliding doors. There was a lovely old midwife there who got Zoe out for us to have a cuddle and took a picture. Ivy had needed some oxygen, so we couldn’t hold her. But marvelled at her tiny little body through the isolette window.

It was crazy to see the girls and how different they looked, to think it had been them inside of me all that time. Before I knew it, it was time to be wheeled back out, and off to a room in the post natal ward. Matt brought my suitcase along, and then he had to go home. There I was at 2am in this quiet room, having just given birth, the most epic experience, but being all alone. I knew I should take the opportunity to sleep, but just like when Elissa was born, I was way too buzzed and couldn’t sleep. I lay there for ages feeling very grateful and going over in my head what had just played out that day.

The midwife visited and kept pumping on by belly! It was really sore, felt like I’d done 1000 sit-ups! She encouraged me to express some colostrum into the end of a syringe. I wasn’t very successful, so she sat there expressing it for me while we chatted. It wasn’t until later that I realised what a crazy thing that was, and how funny Matt would find it. It’s funny when you give birth how suddenly things like that aren’t as weird as they would otherwise seem!

I did eventually fall asleep and was awoken to a midwife checking on me, more pumping on my tummy and doing my obs. I got directions and headed down to the nursery as quickly as I could. I had that feeling you get when you’re completely wasted, but adrenaline is keeping you going. There were my two little babies in the isolettes, they were wearing these little fairy dresses. I got pretty emotional staring at their tiny and perfect little bodies, and wishing I could cuddle them. Still couldn’t believe there were here, and mine. Such perfectly formed little ladies, God is incredible, fearfully and wonderfully made. x

Week 24 – Monday

I waved goodbye to my little family this morning, all packed for the day with their lunch boxes, uniforms and bags. Matt is an absolute champion, taking them to school and kindy for me.

As I waved goodbye to them this morning, I had to choke back the tears as I prepared myself for another week of bed rest. A week stretching out in front of me on my own. I had to smile when I thought that, and got a massive kick from Baby A, ok so not completely alone. And I have a few people visiting so it’s not like I’m completely abandoned, just feels weird to have so much not planned.

Let’s make it another week shall we babies? x

Catch Up Days

Today I stayed home pretty much all day and had a much needed catch up day. It was so so nice to have the day to get cleaning, and tidying and vacuuming. Took the whole day, and it was nice to not have to drag Noah around, we just hung out. He watched too much tv and actually ate 3 sandwiches, played with his toys, it was nice. As crazy busy as this time of year is, it really makes you appreciate those quiet days.

It’s funny how when I’m busy, the house just falls apart. Matt doesn’t cope. Anyway, it’s always nice to have that breather and then appreciate it for the next few days. 🙂

A year of firsts

It feels like forever ago that Elissa was a baby and we were experiencing all of those ‘firsts’. First smile, first steps, first solids, first day at childcare, first words. When Noah came along, those things were still special, but it didn’t have the ‘first’ buzz about it like before.

I was reflecting today on what a big year of ‘firsts’ this has been in so many ways. School for Elissa has been the biggest obviously. So many firsts in there. Then Noah started Kindy, so although Kindy isn’t new, having a few hours to myself certainly is! Today I started helping in Elissa’s classroom with Reading Groups. Definitely a first there, and so different to be on the other side of things as a parent, rather than a teacher.

I’m certainly enjoying this new chapter, and seeing my kids grow and become more independent, venturing out into the real world. It’s lovely, and it’s sad!

Because amongst the firsts is that sadness and fear that perhaps there are some lasts in there too? Am I going to take the plunge and get pregnant again. Start that journey all over again?

I see friends around me who have just taken the plunge like it was the natural next step in their journeys. I am at war constantly with myself as I try and decide if another member of our family is meant to be.

Firsts and lasts. Both full to the brim with emotion that threatens to bubble over from time to time and overwhelm me. These kids. These precious creatures that were babies, just a second ago, I swear. I want to freeze time, or bottle up who they are right now, so when they’re big and gone, i can open the bottle and remember what it was like to be their mum right now.

 

Gosh I love them. x

what a Sh!t day!

I wouldn’t usually use such language, but considering I have stepped in a giant dog turd, I figured it was both accurate and appropriate and pretty much summed up my day! 

I don’t know what is going on with me lately. I am really, really struggling with Noah. He threw a major tantrum in Elissa’s classroom this morning and I had to take him out to the carpark to deal with him because he wouldn’t stop screaming. I was meant to be doing reading and sight words with her. 😦 

By the time we get back in, the bell goes. Then in the supermarket, he just cracks it and starts screaming at me and trying to KICK ME! I warned him to stop, left the trolley there full of food. Took him out of the supermarket and into the parenting lounge and gave him a smack. He eventually  calmed down and was ‘ok’ after that. He is just doing my head in. He’s being so disobedient and demanding. I’m not sure what we’re doing wrong. Matt just loses the plot with him which doesn’t help. 

I am trying to be calm and consistent, but inside, let me tell you, there’s a river of rage just under the surface. I don’t know if it’s because he’s been sick. But he’s been a right turd at night time, to the point that last night he got no story, no kiss, nothing, just a parting word that I didn’t want to see him again until the morning. 

I just feel stressed. It’s really dumb, but I know what I want my kids to be, the kind of kid. I know all the different types I have taught. And I always wanted, envisioned having a little chloe, or lesen. It’s hard when you realise that your kid just isn’t that. They don’t always make the right choices. The teacher might tell them off sometimes. I’m finding that side of things really hard. I feel like it reflects on me too. 

I guess you don’t get to choose who your kids are, you just have to do your best to raise them with the kind of values that you want to them to have and pray that it sinks in. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. I need to do more praying! 

I think if I can realise and accept that my kids will be their own person, who God created them to be, not who I want them to be, I might cope a bit better. And I reckon they’ll feel more accepted and loved. 

Actually, thinking about it now, I highly doubt i was the kind of kid that my parents had envisioned. They’re both pretty sensible and mature. I always did get the feeling that they wanted me to be someone like rachel last, or even Emma, Jarrod’s wife. But I wasn’t, and even though I’m 30, I’m stil waiting for that maturity to kick in. bUt that’s not who God created me to be. 

Let them be who they are LEonie. Stop stressing out, keep teaching and praying, but know that God will make them the best version of them, not the best version of who I want them to be. 

Over and out.